Yes, It IS That Terrifying

Thank you for all the energy and prayers and good thoughts you all sent my way in my quest to be published!!!!   I am SO very grateful.

I posted below on the 24th about feeling stuck and discouraged, and so many of you responded.  In the next day or two, my knower that had seemed to be completely broken suddenly started working again, and I felt very strongly that I need to continue pursuing getting published via a traditional publishing house.  So on the 28th I summoned up my courage and sent off a query to yet one more agent.  That was Sunday, and I heard back first thing Monday morning that she would like to see the first 50 pages!!!  Yippeeeeeeeeeee!!!  This is similar to getting a call that you have an interview for a job you REALLY want.  You don’t have the job yet — not by a long shot — but you have a chance at it.

Here’s the funny thing.  When I received her request, I had an enormous rush of excitement, adrenaline, and then — FEAR.  Utter, abject terror.  Shaking hands.  Shaking legs.  Even a touch of lightheadedness.  I actually thought, “Maybe I don’t want to send it in.  Maybe I’ll write her back and tell her I changed my mind.”

See, here’s the thing about following your dreams.  It’s so fantastically thrilling when you see them start to come true, but it’s also terrifying.  Sending a query to an agent is just telling them your basic idea.  If they don’t like it, oh well.  Sending 50 pages is taking a risk.  If she rejects it, she’s read enough to know she wouldn’t like the whole book.  If she asks to read the whole manuscript, I’ll be even more thrilled and ecstatic, but I may have to lay down and breathe into a paper bag for a while.

Another thing about following your dreams is that you somehow have to keep going back and trying again, even when it didn’t work out the first time…or the second time…or the twentieth time.  I’ve been here before with this manuscript (and with the 2 young adult fantasies that I wrote longer ago).  I’ve had a couple agent read the whole thing, and say, ‘almost but no thanks’ or ‘good, but not quite right for me.’  And give me some really encouraging feedback.  It seems like the disappointment gets bigger every time an agent reads the whole thing and says, ‘almost.’  But even though it makes me feel sick to my stomach with disappointment when I get a rejection of the whole manuscript, the dream inside me keeps pushing me to try again, until I find that right person who is excited to represent me.

So yes, I did send my 50 pages to the agent.  I’ll keep you posted.

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