Integration

It’s time for me to start blogging again, I think.  I’ve been wanting to for months, but something has kept holding me back.  And, well, that something is called fear.  But I have a chasm inside me between my 20 years of charismatic, evangelical Christianity and my 6 or so years of where I’m at now, and I sense that I have to do some of the processing toward integration in this public space.

I’m terrified.  Why?  Because I feel a lot of judgment from people in an earlier part of my life, and they are people I still care about.  So I’m going to open myself up to that judgment…why?  I wrote that sentence in my Morning Pages (a la Julia Cameron) this morning.  Why put my journey out there for public consumption?  Why describe to others what took me out of YWAM and charismatic Christianity, and into a broader place? Why do I feel such a strong need to do this processing out here where YOU, my dear friend from the past, or YOU, my dear friend in the present, can see it?  Why be vulnerable?

Because I spent all those years being part of an entity I didn’t totally agree with, and when I disagreed with the majority opinion, I was silent.  Being silent damaged me.  I don’t want to be silent anymore.

Because I spent all those years being part of an entity I sometimes felt ashamed of, yet my identity was tied up in that entity so I felt trapped into defending it.  Having an identity that was partly formed by something other than me damaged me.  I am creating my own identity now.

Because I’ve been led by Jesus, by the Divine Feminine, by the Tiger spirit that walks beside me, by my beloved Father God, by the Universe, to a broad, sweet, beautiful place of spirituality where I rejoice, and I want to sing from the rooftop about it!

Because writing is a way for me to do soul work, and when I write in public, I’m compelled to be brutally truthful.  In my Morning Pages, which are the junk-dumping space, I can rant and rave and write some crap that I don’t mean by the next day.  But here, I have to ask myself about every sentence, “Is that what I really mean?  Is that really my truth, the thing I believe today?  Even if I change my mind next month or ten years from now, is it really what feels true to me right now?”  So YOU, my reader, by merely being out there and possibly reading my post, are causing me to stay true to myself.  Thank you.

For my next post, I want to write about “What Happened When I Admitted I Didn’t Think EVERYTHING in the Bible Was True.”

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4 Replies to “Integration”

    1. Take your time Cynthia. Don’t be afraid to process in private and then post in public where the process is leading you. I look forward to hearing it, and I will listen carefully.
      You are not alone. My journey since leaving now 5 years ago has probably had some similarities as well as some differences to yours, but I have seen the change in you from across the pond, and wondered about your journey.
      May we both find the integration we long for!

  1. Hi Cynthia I also saw the huge change in you and I wondered about your present chosen path. Like you and Jo, I also was on a journey from a place of restriction into a broad place of peace and freedom – not away from the Truth of the Bible but rather to the real Truth of the Bible that is not always preached in Evangelical Charismatic circles and the effect of that on Christians.

  2. Finding our place in the world and the truth in what we believe is always a tough journey. I have always admired your fearlessness in going all over the world so young. I am sure as you reflect you will realize how much you learned from everywhere you have been and all you have done. I had college professors at a Christian college that had part of their courses that discussed some of the inconsistencies in the Bible. I remember being surprised and at the same strengthened by all the other things that ring true and good.

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