I Will Shrug Off My Cloak of Shame

This blog is supposed to be MY magic carpet, my musings on MY journey.  So…I’m going to summon up my courage and track an aspect of my journey in this public setting.  I want to be known.  I don’t want to hide anymore.  I want to become strong enough to speak what was truth for me in the past, what is truth for me now, and what is still growing in me and becoming truth.  For years, in the kind of intense Christian circles I was part of, I hid certain things, like my liberal political views for example, because they didn’t fit what I was ‘supposed’ to believe.  And now, in my artistic, creative circles of friends and fellow belly dancers and jewelry artists, I don’t feel free to talk about my Christian past or my journey to integrate that past with whatever I should call this present place I find myself in.

But I think I’m done being silent.  I don’t want to offend anyone, or tell people what to believe or not to believe.  I don’t want to make people I care about feel uncomfortable.  But I do want to shrug off the shame I feel in front of my current circles of friends and sister belly dancers and co-workers at CO Parks & Wildlife over having been for many years a missionary and a committed Christian.  There, I said it.  I was a missionary.  On the other hand, I also want to shrug off the shame I feel in front of my beloved Christian friends from my past years over who I am now.  I no longer think of myself as ‘a Christian.’  There, I said it.  Everything that the term, ‘a Christian,’ meant to me when I took that as my identity — I’m no longer that person.  I won’t pretend to be that person anymore.

What I will do, however, is I will lift off that cloak of shame and secretiveness, and I will write my story.

I want to write about two things in this post.  They’re sort of related.  But I don’t know what either of them means, and I’m not going to force any conclusions.  You are truly reading my chain of thoughts, unedited, right now.

One is about prophecy, and how gems/stones/crystals and the prophetic might just go together.  For my dear YWAM friends, you know that for many years, I was a prophetic person.  In those charismatic Christian circles, it was so normal to ‘get a word’ for someone.  The Spirit of God seemed to freely give gifts in the form of words to many of us to encourage and strengthen each other.  Sometimes these prophecies came to me as words or a phrase, and they could be about a person’s future or simply words of affirmation about some aspect of their character or their journey.  About a total stranger, it might be something like, “I sense in you a deep love of children, teaching them and working with them, and especially children whose lives have been traumatic.  You’re like a shining light in the darkness for them.”  (I’m making this example up, but who knows, it may actually be meant for one of you who is reading this.)

The other way that prophecy came to me was in the form of images or deep impressions.  I would see the person I was prophesying over, but superimposed on them would be a picture of something or an emotion.  I would just know deep in my knower that they were grieving or that they were at a turning point in their lives or that they carried an unspoken dream in their hearts.

During those years in Scotland, the giving and receiving of prophecy was a vital, life-giving part of my almost-daily experience, and I know that I grew in sensitivity to those ‘messages’ that came from outside of me.  But just a few weeks ago, I had a similar experience, and it had to do with gemstones and their energies.  For those of you from my past, I fear that some of you might think this experience was demonic.  Worry about me, if you will.  But my spirit has been so filled with joy in the past years, and I feel so led by the hand of the Divine, that it’s hard for me to imagine there’s evil in what I’m about to recount.

A few weeks ago, my belly dance sisters in Anam Cara Dance Co. commissioned me to make a special pendant for the birthday of one of our members.  I have dozens of cut stones, and I spread out them all out on the table and picked out a bunch that I thought might work.  I’ve learned to be sensitive to my inner voice as I design my pieces, and in this case, nothing really seemed right for this lovely woman.

Later, for some reason, I happened to be digging through a bunch of stones that were already either chosen and paid for by someone else, or at least designated for someone in particular.  I came across a gorgeous cabochon of a stone called sugilite — deep purples and browns — and I instantly had that same prophetic knowing that it was supposed to be for this special woman. But I did NOT want to hear it. I had that stone in my bowl of stones that were already designated for someone in particular because I’d been hoarding it for over a year, waiting for a design to come to me for a really special pendant, for ME. The only reason I hadn’t yet made something for myself was because I couldn’t get a design that felt right.

I went back to the stones I’d pulled out as possibilities for her, but nothing seemed right. Then, in the middle of the night, I woke up thinking about it, and I rationalized that maybe the prophetic message I was sensing was more general, and I was just supposed to be making her something with sugilite, any piece of sugilite, not MY cabochon in particular.  I got up and looked the stone up online and learned that people believe it strengthens mentorship and enables the wearer to release spirituality in others. Definitely the right stone for this woman!!! But I spent a couple hours in the middle of the night searching all my favorite online rock shops for another piece of sugilite, and dang it, I couldn’t find a single other piece of sugilite that seemed right.

So at about 3:00 in the morning, I finally gave in and decided it was hers. 🙂 The next morning, in about 5 minutes, I drew the design that I ended up using to make the pendant.  And of course, as all good stories of prophecy go, she loved it and it was perfect for her.  As she or my other dancer friends would express it, the energies of the stone are exactly what she needs right now.

My other story is from tonight.  I am still reeling from the experience I’m about to describe, even though it was an hour ago.  I don’t intend to draw any conclusions — I just want to make my declaration that it happened to me.

I have several people in my life right now who have been deeply touched/influenced by/ministered to by the energies of stones.  For example, one of my dance sisters tells the story of being taken into a rock shop when she was a child.  She picked up a stone, and instantly felt powerful vibrations or energy coming out of it.  I believe she said she picked up a bunch of others, and each one’s vibrations felt different to her.  I’ve been in love with gems since I was a child too, but I’ve never felt anything like this.  But I can’t doubt the experience of a child who has no reason to make something like that up.

I’ve been reading a lot about moldavite, a gem formed eons ago when a huge meteorite struck what is now the Czech Republic, and possibly went straight through the core of the earth and out the other side.  The heat and force of the impact formed a substance that looks like bottle green glass.

Moldavite is supposedly one of the easier stones for a novice to feels its energies, and I happen to be keeping three pieces that belong to a friend who wants me to design a pendant for her from them.  So tonight I did an experiment.  I lay on my back, held a piece in each hand, and opened myself to whatever I might experience.  After a few seconds, my hands started to feel warm, and over the next 15 minutes, the sensation increased until they were throbbing with heat.  The heat felt like it was coming out of the stones at first, but then it felt like it was somehow being created in conjunction with my own body heat.  Like the stone was amplifying my own warmth or something.  I lay there with my eyes closed and chatted with Jesus, prayed to the Divine Feminine who I’ve been getting to know lately, and spoke blessings over some people I love very much.

The end.  I opened my eyes, and 17 minutes had gone by in a flash.  I got up and went and told Craig about it, and then I decided to write about it.

And that’s all…

Cynthia

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One Reply to “I Will Shrug Off My Cloak of Shame”

  1. Cynthia,
    I am so glad you were able to express to all your varied people just who the varied, multi-faceted you is. (Bad grammar, sorry!) I can hear in your words the tension that you have been carrying and I hope that this blog post can help with the release of that tension.
    I would love to hear more as you process your experience with the stones. As I believe they are part of a spiritual Being’s creation, I have little trouble believing you were accessing a spiritual aspect of them. As good ole Will S said, “There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.” There’s definitely more meaning in the universe then we give credit to, whatever faith tradition to which we ascribe. But, what is that meaning, do you think? What did you walk away with from that experience?
    Please keep blogging as you continue to process these things. It is good to hear your voice!

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